Sunday, November 18, 2007
Survivor’s Guilt
(c) 2007 E. Everett McFall
LORD, What Did I Do To Deserve To Survive?
Why Am I Still Here? Am I Worthy LORD?
I was instructed to try to re-assemble the dismembered body parts collected in the two rows of newly arrived “bloated body bags” lying on the ground. After about 90 minutes of intense humid heat, blood, other body fluids and the smells of decaying flesh, my team had put the remains of (8) Men together as humanely as possible.
It felt like trying to assemble a human puzzle, only these pieces were from fallen fellow Americans, humans, that were once full of LIFE, breathing, walking, talking, and doing the same things that I had done. Most were, as best as I could tell, my age or a little older. War is a youthful activity.
Today, forty years later, I’m still constantly overwhelmed by thoughts of whether or not I put the right head with the right body parts. These recurring thoughts have forced me to live with those ‘Heads’ for over 40 years. Those ‘HEADS,’ they continue to HAUNT ME, as I relive that experience, day after day after day, 24/7. This is only part of my PTSD!!!
YES, I can still hear their cries, even in my sleep!
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I WAS A NAVY HOSPITAL CORPSMAN "DOC" ASSIGNED TO THE 1/9ALPHA CO.3RD MARINE DIVISION NICKNAMED "THE WALKING DEAD" IN VIETNAM 68-69 I WAS IN ASHAU VALLEY"OPERATION DEWEY CANYON" WHICH STARTED ON 01/14/69 LASTED UNTIL 03/18/69 IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY, 54 OF THE 57 DAYS IN THIS OPERATION WE WERE IN SOMEKIND OF CONFLICT (FIREFIGHT). I FIRSTHAND CAN RELATE TO SURVIVAL QUILT, I WONDER EACH AND EVERYDAY WHY AND HOW I MADE IT BACK FROM THAT HORRIBLE WAR... I WAS THE FATHER,MOTHER,BROTHER,DOCTOR,ETC. TO THE MEN THAT FAUGHT SO BRAVELY IN THAT VIETNAM WAR, THEY WOULD COME UP TO ME AND JUST TO TALK ABOUT THEIR WIVES,FAMILY,SCHOOL DAYS JUST ANYTHING THAT WOULD EASE THERE MIND ABOUT BEING IN THIS WAR.I WAS THEIR LISTENING POST YOU MIGHT SAY AND I TRUELY LOVED TALKING WITH THEM,THEY WOULD COME UP TO ME WITH THE SMALLEST CUT OR SOMETHING JUST TO GET ATTENTION FROM SOMEONE. I REALLY WAS GLAD TO BE ABLE TO HELP THEM IN ANY WAY POSSIBLE,I WAS TRAINED TO PROVIDE MEDICAL AIDE IN THE FIELD "IT WAS MY JOB" I REMEMBER FEBRUARY 22,1969 IN THE OPERATION I MENTIONED WAS A DAY FROM "HELL" WE SET OUT ON PATROL VERY EARLY THAT DAY 0430 IF MY MEMORY SERVES ME CORRECTLY,AND WE RAN ACROSS THE ENEMY THIS PROCEEDED TO BE A FIREFIGHT THAT LASTED 24 DOURS !! I'M NOT KIDDING ITS ON RECORD,ASK ANYONE THAT WAS THERE... I NEVER COULD BELIEVE ALL THE DEAD AND WOUNDED THAT WERE AROUND ME. I COULDN'T STOP HEARING "CORPSMAN UP " IT BELLOWED EVERY WAY I TURNED MY HEAD. WHERE SHOULD I GO FIRST ! THE VOICE IN MY HEAD KEPT SAYING... I JUST REMEMBER RUNNING AND CRAWLING AROUND UNTIL I CAME ACROSS A WOUNDED MARINE PATCHING THEM UP AS BEST AS I COULD AND MOVING ON TO THE NEXT ONE & NEXT ONE WHEN WILL THIS STOP I SAID. I WAS DOING EVERYTHING I COULD TO KEEP UP WITH THE CALLS FOR HELP. I THEN WAS HIT MYSELF BY AND RPG THAT HIT THE MAN JUST TO MY LEFT. I WAS STUNNED FOR AWHILE HOW LONG I DON'T KNOW..I REMEMBER LIFTING MY HEAD UP AND ALL I SAW WAS BLOOD FLOWING FROM MY FACE ONTO THE GROUND I THEN KNEW I WAS HIT. I PROCEEDED TO APPLY DRESSINGS TO STOP THE BLEEDING IT TOOK AWHILE I KNEW I HAD TO GET UP AND TAKE CARE OF MY MARINES. ON MY WAY AGAIN AND THE FIGHTING WAS AT A FIERCE PACE. I THOUGHT THIS WAS ONLY IN THE MOVIES... "WRONG AGAIN" I KEPT ON CARING FOR THE WOUNDED ALWAYS WONDERING IF I DID EVERYTHING RIGHT TO SAVE OUR MEN,IDIDN'T HAVE THE LUXURY TO BE ABLE TO STAY WITH SOMEONE TO LONG I NEEDED TO GET TO ANOTHER WOUNDED MARINE. I HEARD AND FELT A BLAST AND SUDDENLY I WAS DOWN AGAIN,I DIDN'T REALIZE I WAS HIT UNTIL I TRIED TO GET UP AND RUN I WAS HIT IN MY LEFT THIGH. THIS REALLY HAD ME VERY CONCERNED ,I AGAIN PATCHED MYSELF UP AND PROCEEDED TO DO EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET TO MORE FALLEN MARINES. I THEN STARTED CRYING THE PAIN STARTED TO SET IN FROM MY WOUNDS AND THE DISGUSTED FROM NOT BEING ABLE TO ANWSER THE CALLS FOR HELP FROM MY MEN.I HAD NO IDEA WHERE I WAS AND I HAD TO FEND FOR MYSELF DUE TO THE NVA WERE COMING UP FROM OUR REAR. I HAD TO GATHER ANY FIREPOWER I COULD TO SEE IF I COULD SLOW THE ENEMY DOWN ONCE SIGHTED. I WAS ALONE AND COULDN'T GET AROUND VERY WELL. I THOUGHT FOR SURE I WAS A GONER, THEN FROM KNOWWHERE OUR 60MM GUNNER SHOWS UP AND HE HELPED ME GET TO A BETTER LOCATION SO WE COULD DEFEND OUR POSITION. I SAID I NEEDED TO HELP OUR MEN HE THEN SAID ITS TIME FOR US TO HELP OURSELVES "WERE IN DEEP SHIT" TRYING TO GET SUPPORT FROM ANYONE WE CAN. THINGS WERE LOOKING PRETTY DIM. WE HAD TO GATHER AMMUNITION FROM THE FALLEN MARINES AROUND US TO KEEP ALIVE. I REMEMBER US PRAYING TO GOD TO HELP US GET OUT ALIVE OR AT LEAST BE FOUND IF WE WERE KILLED, WE DIDN'T WANT TO BE LEFT IN VIETNAM. IT WAS GETTING LATE IN THE AFTERNOON AND FROM WHAT WE FOUND OUT LATER THAT CHARLIE,BRAVO AND DELTA COMPANIES CAME IN TO RESCUE US.I REMEMBER BEING HELPED UP THE HILL STOPPING TO HELP ANY MARINE THAT WAS INJURED ALONG THE WAY.ONCE ATOP OF THE HILL MEN LAYING ALL OVER THE GROUND WAITING FOR MEDIVAC CHOPPERS TO COME GET THEM.WHICH DIDN'T HAPPEN UNTIL THE NEXT MORNING DUE TO INCOMING STILL GOING ON.I REMEMBER MY FELLOW CORPSMAN JERRY BUMGARNER KNEELING OVER ME AND SAYING "YOUR GOING TO BE OKAY DON'T WORRY" WORDS THAT GAVE ME WILL POWER TO MAKE IT THOUGH THE NIGHT. HE THEN SPENT THE NIGHT CARING FOR ME AND THE OTHERS WAITING FOR MEDIVAC.THIS IS ONLY ONE STORY OF VERY MANY I CAN TELL. SURVIVAL QUILT !!! I AND MANY MORE CAN TELL YOU "WHY" WE DON'T KNOW. BUT IT HAUNTS US EVERYDAY. SEMPER FI DOC COLEMAN
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